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AARP

A male perspective on caregiving and community

A male caregiver speaks out about the challenge of isolation.

Abbie Kopf
for AARP
When Andrés Parra found out his girlfriend Eva Snitkin had breast cancer, he joined the growing number of men who provide care for a loved one. It’s estimated that 40% of caregivers are men.

Andrés Parra and Eva Snitkin had only been dating for a year when Snitkin was diagnosed with breast cancer, but despite the relative newness of the relationship, Parra didn’t hesitate to step in as her primary caregiver. “When she was diagnosed, I leapt into that role automatically,” Parra said. “There wasn’t much forethought. It just happened.”

Friends wondered if Parra could withstand the challenge. But the thought of leaving Snitkin never entered his mind – cancer diagnosis or not.

In the beginning, Parra says that the most valuable thing he provided was practical support – like driving Snitkin to doctors’ appointments. But as time went on and Snitkin’s treatments began to affect her more, Parra’s role shifted. Now, he was also called upon to offer emotional support — to counter the grave fears and apprehensions of his girlfriend. “I was there to kind of give her a little bit of perspective and to take things slower and not jump to conclusions,” he said.

Despite all his efforts, Parra didn’t acknowledge his new role. “I never thought to myself, ‘I am a caregiver now.’ It was something that people told me I was.” Research suggests that because many men feel they are just doing what needs to be done, they often don’t realize the gravity of their roles in the same way an outsider would – making it unlikely they will seek help. In fact, according to AARP, male caregivers are less likely to reach out for support than their female counterparts. Parra shouldered his duties alone, reluctant to find a support group and afraid to burden friends and family. This isolation can become problematic for those who provide care. Although most caregivers report mostly positive emotions when it comes to caregiving, nearly half also express the “need to vent.”

When Andrés Parra found out his girlfriend Eva Snitkin had breast cancer, he joined the growing number of men who provide care for a loved one. It’s estimated that 40% of caregivers are men.

So, when Snitkin’s friend referred Parra to a local group specifically for male caregivers called Jack’s Caregiver Coalition, Parra was relieved to find a group that understood him. He bonded with other male caregivers over meals and activities designed to elicit communication. But most importantly, it became a haven where he could be honest about his experiences as a caregiver. “It makes me look forward to just sharing sometimes with other men who are going through the same thing,” revealed Parra. “It’s definitely both support and a release time, where you feel like you can say it out loud – whatever you’re going through that day.”

Since joining the group, Parra’s attitude has shifted. “I have found that it’s very important to have people who know what you’re going through,” he said. “It’s like a shorthand language, you don’t have to explain yourself in every little detail.”

Parra suggests that other caregivers find regular activities outside the home so that they can decompress and reflect. More than anything, though, he says the most important thing is to reach out to friends, family, or even to strangers. “It’s as easy as going onto the web and looking for organizations or support groups in your area,” he explained. “It will make you a much better caregiver.”

Trusted organizations like AARP who specialize in caregiver resources can help you or a loved one find support. Visit AARP.org/caregiving for free tools, care guides, and a supportive online community of caregivers.